In March this 1996, I was so happy when to my delight I found I was pregnant with Oliver. More so , as only in January, I had miscarried a baby at 9 weeks.

I remember the clear blue pregnancy test turning, positive. As it changed I phoned Kevin at the office, and said I was holding a pregnancy test which was changing to positive " That's why you've been so spotty " was Kevin's. reply

I was happy but decided to be quite relaxed as my other early pregnancies had not ended well.
Even at this early stage I was sick, I felt sick for the few days leading up to this day, so it wasn't such a big shock bur it was a surprise how quickly this had happened.

So with this one I thought, things will be what they will be. The first week I didn't feel well apart from feeling sick I had a lot of pain, down my left side, which I didn't feel was womb related as it didn't feel like a period pain. I was on parcetamol every four hours, and the doctor thought it was a urine infection, although tests came back as negative. The pain went after about a week and didn't return.

The sickness continued for about four months and was quite severe. The worst time was 10pm and I went off coffee, curries and toothpaste. We ate loads of fast food because cooking would make me feel sick.
Once I remember dreaming, and I fell out of bed. I bruised myself but nothing else happened, pregnancy wise although I was frightened I would miscarry. But nothing happened.

I was very happy when I reached 11 weeks and went to my first anti-natal appointment, I had a scan and there was tiny developing Oliver with hands legs and arms waving at me. The scan photo was very clear and I was very proud.
I think then I began to look forward to being a Mum, as this was as far as I had ever got with any of my previous pregnancies. I really began to feel that this baby was meant, to be , and maybe Oliver was! What purpose that is I'm yet to find out, although we only had him with us for three days, I don't regret having him.

After the sickness disappeared I started feeling better more alive with lots of energy. I felt I was better able to cope with things and work got easier. I began to loose my waist line and was excited when I had to buy some maternity clothing.,
I first felt Oliver move quite early on just little fluttery movements which got gradually stronger. Things seemed fine and we loved looking for bargains for baby equipment at car boot sales. We brought little clothes and gradually built up a nice collection.
The only worst thing about the summer was the heat, I found it difficult with driving to work, other than that driving was OK and I played Oliver, the early learning nursery rhyme tape all the time in the car, and he really reacted to it. I used to sing them all to him so I am sure he was actually protesting.

We then started thinking of names or disagreeing over names. What ever I liked Kevin didn't. I liked Mae or Olivia for a girl but Kevin didn't!!! Kevin thought of some horrible names which. I refused to consider. Eventually we did agree on Zoė Elizabeth or Thomas Oliver. And the kicking babe got known as TZ!!!! ( The fact that Oliver was not called Thomas is a different matter all together )
Some things I remember about Oliver being inside me was that he was a very active baby, he would have great periods of aerobics which could actually make me sore. He kicked often right down below and my skin would jump up and down. My whole stomach could take on some very strange shapes as he would move from side to side and stick his bottom up in the air. My stomach would then be flat one side and high on the other. Oliver would not let me sleep on my side. He would protest by giving me a good kick. He also took delight from kicking my bladder, and when your in the car with no toilet in sight then that is no joke!

One thing about having a baby is that it makes you think to the future, we made many plans. We decided to give the baby the study and put the office in the other room with computer and get rid of the large bed and get a single one that the child could use later on, we thought we would get one of those ones with a guest bed underneath. We brought furniture for the nursery, with everything in darker wood to match. We also got on with decorating the house, we had a new kitchen put in. In May and had a new carpet laid throughout the house.

My pregnancy went quite well although my blood pressure was rising gradually throughout and at one point my blood pressure differed on each arm. I was sent to see a cardio consultant because when I went to the hospital for my anti-natal they heard it. I went for an echo of my heart which turned out OK without abnormalities but they heard the noise coming from my neck. They said that the veins seemed normal but would check this out after the baby had been born as the noise could be due to the blood going fast due to pregnancy but that didn't make sense as the murmur was there before I was pregnant. I wasn't too worried I thought this would all be cleared up later on.

One thing I remember was that people would say I was small for my dates, I wasn't bothered about this but now I think I was small because of the blood pressure. At an earlier point a couple of times I was told Oliver would be arriving possibly a week earlier. ( In fact he arrived a lot earlier, 10 weeks! ).
At the end of August I remember I didn't feel too well, very tired and run down. The traffic and heat got to me but once I had rested I was OK, it had been a bank holiday weekend and driving home had taken me hours and hours. I believe the pre-eclampsia had started then. A week later I started to feel unwell again I had diarrhoea and sickness. I had a doctors appointment for anti-natal and my blood pressure was found to be dangerously high.

I was sent to hospital, I felt upset but would never have believed what was about to happen. Kevin came down and the baby was monitored ( all OK) I had my blood pressure monitored, bloods taken and given drugs to bring it down. The doctors spoke to us about a possible early delivery if my blood pressure could not be controlled, they gave me my first dose of steroids to build up Oliver's lungs. I did feel very frightened at this time and also very tired.

I had a lot of protein in my urine plus blood but didn't suffer my headaches or blurred vision. It was debated at whether this was pre-eclampsia. I did improve after a couple of days and was sent to the ward for the weekend but on the Saturday night I had a lot of pain in my back and my blood pressure rose I was sent back to the labour ward where I was given pain killers. The next day I was put on a drip to bring the blood pressure down. After this I did stabilise but was warned that the baby would be delivered by section as soon as either of us was in danger.

In the mean time I was bored silly and I really didn't feel that ill.
I went to the U C Hospital, to have a special scan done, called a Doppler study which looks a the blood flow through the placenta, Oliver was shown to have a normal head etc. although he was small for his gestation. The blood flow was showing to be beginning to compromise Oliver and they said I would be delivering the baby soon.

I had another lot of steroids and we prepared ourselves to be parents. We visited the special care baby unit and spoke to doctors about Oliver. No one was worried that the Doppler study showed him to be only a kilo, as his lungs were normal and he had ,had the steroids so it was a concern but we thought he would be fine.

On the 16th of September I had not been monitored at all and I told Kevin this. So at lunch time he went and asked for me to be put on the monitor. I was put on and all was fine. Kevin went back to work, but not long after he had gone Oliver's heart beat dipped right down to 70 something where it should have been much faster at 120 to 150. It did not go back up so I pressed the alarm and Julie the Midwife came in, she turned me to my side and the heartbeat recovered. But she was worried and called a consultant who came immediately and looked at the trace.

He said the baby would have to be delivered that afternoon, and they got me ready for an emergency section. Kevin was called back and properly wore out his tires, burning rubber trying to get to the hospital.
Incidentally I do recall Oliver's heartbeat dropping suddenly before, but it immediately recovered itself and the consultant said Oliver had been gripping on to his cord.

I was very upset with the prospect of Oliver's sudden arrival and was in floods of tears. Kevin arrived and we watched the monitor while every one else prepared. Kevin's Mum arrived and was somewhat surprised with what was happening, but she stayed and I wanted her to stay for Kevin.

I was monitored for a couple of hours and then they decided not to do the section as the trace had been fine since and Oliver had behaved himself. It was all a bit of an anti climax then! We tried to relax and we had a Indian take-away for supper in the hospital room! Oliver was very active that evening and they monitored me more later on and he did his aerobic session!
That night I slept well although I was monitored till about 11pm or gone. The next morning Kevin came in, ( I had been on the monitor) The doctors hadn't been around so he stayed to see them. When they arrived they said that they would deliver me today as the trace was going up and down. It was the 17th September 1996!

I felt more prepared for it that day the shock of the day before had passed and I felt much more in control.
I was prepared for the section for that PM. The morning dragged by and we made phonecalls to tell people of Oliver's soon to be arrival.
By Lunch time I was beginning to feel nervous and time speeded up and very soon I was going to the theatre. I had a spinal block which I didn't feel as the area had been numbed. The block began to work almost immediately. I was absolutely petrified but I had to laugh when Kevin came in with his nice surgeons gown, he looked really funny especially his hat!

My legs went hot and tingly and then numb. Even though I could not move my legs I was still nervous I would feel pain. I could feel cold water on my top but when it went below I could only feel a sensation of something being put on me.
During the operation I could not feel any pain although I could feel a lot of pulling and pushing. Oliver was born at 3.55pm and I was delighted to hear him cry. He bleated like a little lamb. I was very surprised to hear he was a boy, I was really expecting a little Zoė! This is because most people thought I was having a girl and I think I was convinced as well. But I was very happy to have a son, he made his mum proud! Oliver went straight up to Special care baby unit. Kevin went with him as we had planned!

I was then stitched up but this took a lot longer than usual because my blood pressure caused me to bleed a lot. Every time a stitch went in blood oozed out making this a very frightening experience. I came out eventually to my room and Kevin came down and told me Oliver was fine, doing very well. He was on a ventilator but this was expected.

After the operation I was given a plasma transfusion which I had an allergic reaction to, I came out in boils! Which I remember as being very itchy. I was given anti histamine, which made me sleepy but cured the problem.
Then the spinal block began to wear off and I asked for pain relief and they started giving me morphine but as it went in the drip it began to burn and this was not supposed to happen so it was stopped. I then had to wait for what seemed like an eternity for them to work out what I could have. The pethiden made me feel very drunk but when that wears off you get the pain relief. At this time Kevin was split between seeing me and seeing Oliver, but he videoed him for me so I could see him. During the night when I woke up I got Cathy the Midwife to check that Oliver was OK. Which he was. I didn't get to see much off him the first day as I was still recovering. I was taken up in the bed and the 2nd day I got out of bed and was wheeled up. On the Thursday I spent the most time with Oliver but I still felt shaky. I wish I had more time with him. The Thursday evening I was able to get up on the stool next to his cot where we held his hands and talked to him. He was very cute and he looked just like his Dad! Even his toes. He had a very strong character he did not like having his nappy on and would kick it off. He had a lovely little cry, like a bleating lamb. He was also a fidget his arms and legs kicking around. Reminded me of when he was inside me. He was now on light treatment because he was boarder line to having jaundice. His eyes were protected but he wasn't to keen on this. He would hold our finger very tightly and if you took it away he would get cross and agitated. That evening he got upset and started crying and we didn't know what was wrong. Then we noticed he had done a pooh and did not like lying in it. I held his bottom up away from it and he seemed to calm down while Kevin got a nurse. We helped Lisa change him then she did his care. At that point she did have to fiddle with the feeding line and had to massage it.
I remember that evening I had a great rush of love for Oliver. That evening I stared to try to express milk so he could be fed on the Monday. It had already started to come in .

On the Friday morning it came in so I expressed some of and then had a shower and got ready to go upstairs. I planned to stay the whole day with him. I phoned Kevin and he said he was on his way in.

I was in my hospital room and heard the phone ring and heard someone say it was the S C B U , I knew it was to do with Oliver. They said Oliver was poorly and I was needed upstairs! I knew it was more serious than that. The Midwife wheeled me up but she was too slow so I walked the rest of the way.

When I got their I was asked to go in the waiting room or lounge. At that point I remember thinking that Oliver had died. Dr. Judith came in and said the news was not good that Oliver's heart had stopped and they were trying to revive him. They asked where Kevin was and I told them he was on his way. Kevin came in not long after and they broke it to him. We then went in to Oliver and they were still trying to resuscitate him although at that time I think they were doing it for our sakes rather than Oliver's as they knew he had already gone. They took of his monitors and I held him for the first and last time. As I held him I heard a small breath then their were no more.

Kevin cuddled him, we kissed him and said goodbye. I cuddled him and then looked at his fingers toes and every part of him because I didn't want to forget. Not that I could forget anything about him, those images will be with me forever. The chaplain came up and baptised him, Oliver Thomas Trill ,which we felt was very important.

We said the lords prayer and then we left Oliver( or did Oliver leave us )

Our precious son was dead and we felt very shocked, I felt angry and I needed to leave the hospital. We went down to the room and I started packing. A doctor came in and I told him I wanted to leave, he agreed and we went home. My parents were at home and were very upset. We sat in deep shock wondering what we were to do now. The midwife, Mary came around and did my blood pressure which was dangerously high and I had to be admitted to hospital.

I had to go back to the labour suite, which was the last place Kevin and I wanted to be. We had to wait along time to see a doctor and I was then put on drugs. I was told I had to stay but at least they allowed Kevin to stay, and they gave us a sofa bed. We didn't sleep well and I had to have some sedation to help me sleep later on in the night.
While we were at the hospital that night Jenny White came in with Jackie and they gave us some information on SANDS and precious things of Oliver's. We were given his hand and foot prints, his hospital tags and his bonnet and photographs. They came and talked to us and were a good shoulder to cry on. Later we saw the chaplain whose words brought us comfort. Jenny had strongly advised us to go and see Oliver again, and the next day she came back and asked us if we would like to see him.

I had not been sure but I then knew it would be the right thing to do however difficult. He looked peaceful and was in a Moses basket. We said goodbye again and I realised our little boy was not there any more. We had a cup of tea then went home.
Oliver's death was caused my his feeding tube piercing his heart, we had prepared ourselves for the cause to be something like this although to be told this after the post mortem was still very shocking. We learnt that on that Friday morning Oliver was in good health although it does distress us to know he'd been crying. Although he could have been crying for any reason, we feel we should have been with him. The doctors had seen him and he had been fine. Oliver was not ill and thus we were not prepared for this, although I'm sure his death would not have been any easier to take even if we had expected it. To learn that your son has died from unnatural causes is very hard to take, as we feel he should not have died. But he has and there will be an inquest to find out how this could have happened. Although it will be difficult we need to know what went wrong and how this can be prevented.

Oliver's funeral service was held at the hospital chapel, and was a very special tribute to Oliver. Kevin's words were special and I'm sure they meant a lot to Oliver as he could not have had a Father that loved him as much as Kevin did and still will forever.
To Kevin his son was very special to him but he also felt extra special before he died although Kevin did not know why. He thought he would do something extraordinary. We now know why Oliver was so extra special.

Oliver is buried not far from where we live, although it feels like he is not there. I feel he's in heaven and also that his spirit is wherever we are. He has a box of living memories with his photo and his pussy cat on top. That's where we feel he is.
I always felt strongly that Oliver was meant to be, and although he lived a very short time , he touched our hearts like they have never been touched before, and we are proud to be his parents.